Global travelling articles

So what is stress?
Stress is an individual’s perception and assessment of the environment. It depends on how one perceives the situation. The positive perception is called eustress while negative perception will lead to distress. The amount of stress at which each individual functions most effectively is unique to each individual and it is known as optimum stress level (OSL).
Any response, mental or physical, which adversely affects performance, is called negative stress response.

That which creates stress is called stressor. There are different types of lifestyle stressors:
Performance Stressors: These are situations where one is stressed to perform, viz. Driving a car, public speaking, performance appraisal, big events in one’s life viz. Exams, marriage etc.
Threat Stressors: These are situations perceived as dangerous, viz.: Riots, War, High risk sport, accidents etc.
Boredom Stressors: These are situations which are perceived and assessed as lacking in physical or mental stimulation, Viz. Household chores, Routine factory work etc.
Frustration Stressors: These are situations which are perceived and assessed as being undesirable but beyond one’s power to control, Viz. Govt. Taxation.
Bereavement Stressors: Loss of relationship, Death of loved one, losing a Job, possession or Reputation, dignity etc.
Physical Stressors: Actual physical damage viz. breaking limbs, suffering from disease or infection, working in conditions where extreme temperature and pollution exists which can not be avoided.

Effect of Positive Stress:
As we have seen, positive stress adds anticipation and excitement to life, and we all thrive under a certain amount of stress. Deadlines, competitions, confrontations, and even our frustrations and sorrows add depth and enrichment to our lives. Our goal is not to eliminate stress but to learn how to manage it and how to use it to help us. Insufficient stress acts as a depressant and may leave us feeling bored or dejected; on the other hand, excessive stress may leave us feeling “tied up in knots.” What we need to do is find the optimal level of stress which will individually motivate but not overwhelm each of us. If you are experiencing stress symptoms, you have gone beyond your optimal stress level; you need to reduce the stress in your life and improve your ability to manage it.

So, how do we manage stress?
As there are many sources of stress, there are many possibilities for its management. However, all require work towards change. As stress is an individual’s perception and assessment of the environment, one needs to look into the possibility of changing one’s perception and the reaction to it. In fact, the ideal change will be to convert our reaction to response. So what is the difference between reaction and response? Reaction is habitual, uncontrolled, and impulsive while response is well thought, contemplated act with awareness. A responsible person responds and never reacts. Responsibility is one’s ability to respond.

How do we proceed?

1. Awareness of Stressors: Become aware of your stressors. Watch your physical and emotional reactions to stressors. Do you become nervous or physically upset? Notice the situations and events that create high levels of stress. Understand how your body responds to the stress.

2. Breath awareness: Bring your attention to your breath. Breath awareness will make you more aware to notice various aspects of stress, situation and its effects on your body-brain system. Breath awareness will bring the understanding of the dominant nostril. At any given time, we have one dominant nostril and one blocked nostril. The dominance and the blockage can be of varied degrees.

3. Change the dominant nostril: This is one of the oldest secret of “Shiv Swarodaya” or Swar Yoga. As you become aware of stress and the dominant nostril, simplest thing to do now is to block the dominant nostril by pressing thumb on that nostril and breathe through the other nostril for twenty one times. Normally this is sufficient to change the nostril and stop the setting in of the stress. This simple method works in a miraculous manner to manage stress!

4. Practice “Nirmal Kriya”: Nirmal Kriya is one of the most powerful methods to eliminate stress instantly. It takes only half a minute to practice it. Here is how you go about it…
Start with a couple of deep breaths. Now start with four short breaths and end with a long breath. During the long breath exhalation, create friction in the throat region. (This is known as Ujjayi Pranayam). This makes the train of five connected breaths. Repeat such train five times and you have completed 25 connected breaths Nirmal Kriya. You can do it standing, sitting or sleeping positions. You can repeat it every hour or anytime you feel you are drifting into the stressful situation.

5. Change your Attitudes: Become more positive towards stress management. Look at every situation in a positive manner, including the stressful situations. In fact we learn our best lessons of life from the worst situations!

6. Set your Goals right: Practice SMART Goal setting. Let each of your goal be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time bound. Pursue realistic goals which are meaningful to you, rather than goals others have for you that you do not share.

7. Manage your Time: Practice Time management techniques and manage your life accordingly. Prepare the list of things to do every day morning. Set your priorities right. Follow your own system to the extent possible and also be flexible to change your system to suit your new environment.

8. Improve your EQ: Emotional quotient is based on Emotional Intelligence. Reduce the intensity of your emotional reactions to stress. The stress reaction is triggered by your perception of emotional danger. Are you viewing your stressors in exaggerated terms? Are you over-reacting and viewing things as absolutely critical and urgent? Work at adopting more moderate views; try to see the stress as something you can cope with rather than something that overpowers you. Put the situation in perspective.

9. Take care of your body: Exercise for cardiovascular fitness three to four times a week Moderate, prolonged rhythmic exercise is best, such as walking, swimming, cycling, or jogging. Practice Yoga regularly. Eat well-balanced, nutritious meals. Maintain your ideal weight. Avoid nicotine, excessive caffeine, and other stimulants. Get enough sleep. Be as consistent with your sleep schedule as possible.

10. Take it easy: Mix leisure with work. Take breaks and get away whenever you can.
Develop some mutually supportive friendships and relationships. Frustrations, failures, and sorrows are part of our life, for learning lessons. Always be kind and gentle with yourself — be a friend to yourself.
For more information please visit www.premnirmal.com/stress_management.htm]]>

Part of the addict’s problem is that it’s not taboo to look at the naked human form anymore. And your basic ma-and-pa sex (I can see you reaching for the brain scrubber that’ll wipe that mental image away) loses luster. However, remember - for those of you who can relate - when you were growing up into adult hood and just the images you saw in a dirty magazine was enough to get you going? The reason was because at that age, it was kind of taboo for you to see such things and the thought that you were doing something you shouldn’t have been doing was thrilling.

Fast forward to the present day. The internet is such a vast place that contains a veritable erotic buffet. Sexually, there’s nothing you can’t find in cyberspace, there’s practically nothing you can’t see that’s worth seeing. For all intents and purposes, there’s nothing you should not be seeing, there’s nothing forbidden. Where’s the fun in that?

Now if you are
1. of an extremely conservative religious view; and
2. if you believe that pornography in any way, shape, or form is just wrong; and
3. if you believe that the only way to deal with porn is to quit cold turkey;
then the solutions I’m about to suggest do not apply to you. I am addressing those addicts who hold the more mainstream notion that there is nothing wrong with witnessing a healthy adult human body - of either gender if you are so inclined - and viewing sexual activities between consenting adults.

Before I suggest two courses of action to the porn junkie, allow me to put you in a certain mindset by making an observation. Like I said before, an integral part of mankind’s nature is to want that which is taboo and forbidden. So, under certain circumstances, it’s okay not to be sexually aroused by an otherwise beautiful woman (speaking to the straight male) that you would normally be attracted to. A lot of men seem to think that if they can‘t get it up for a gorgeous woman then something is wrong with them, and they need to move on to something that‘ll get them aroused.. But times of non-arousal are just part of the human experience and being born of flesh. Desires of the flesh eventually get sated.

For instance, if you’ve just eaten a four-course meal and you’re not hungry anymore, are you going to start perusing food menus in hopes of feeling hungry again? Most likely not. And finding that that menu is not making you hungry, you’re not going to look at menus with more mouth-watering pictures. What you do is push back from the restaurant table and go about your business until the time comes when you’re naturally hungry again, whenever that time might be. So if you’re dealing with a internet porn fixation, push back from the desk and step away from the computer every once in a while.

What I’m talking about, and this is the first tact you can take, is avoidance therapy. I advise that you have an abstinence period of time where you resolve not to look at porn, nor even any woman in a sexual way. Make an internal promise to yourself, make a promise to your close friend. Whatever you have to do to endow yourself with a sense of obligation to see your promise through. It’s almost akin to, to compare it to certain religious practices, sexual fasting. It’s a cleansing of your carnal being. You know like when you haven’t gotten any from your significant other in quite a while, the next time you have sex with her, just the sight of her taking of her clothes is almost enough to make you want to pop. The same theory applies here. By the end of your self-imposed porn fast, you’ll be turned on by just the sight of a woman’s shoulder.

That whole promise thing not working for you? Install a porn filter on your own computer. Usually a porn filter is used to keep objectionable content away from kids, but it works just the same for adults. What you do is have a close friend (who knows about your addiction) sign up and register the software on your computer, without telling you the sign-up password. That way porn content on your own computer is blocked from you and you don’t have the means to unlock it. After a number of days, your friend gives you the code to access the porn content again so you can enjoy it for a short while. He then changes the password and you can start the cycle again, as necessary.

Another thing you can do to avoid looking at porn is, the moment you feel yourself about to look at porn, get up and perform some sort of cardiopulmonary activity on the spot. Some jumping jacks, belly slaps, push ups, sit ups, etc. (Note, if you’re accessing porn at work or at a public library, this might not be a good idea.) The reason for this is a lot of times, you look at porn to get some physical excitement or to get the blood surging through your body. Well, if you’re already exercising, mission accomplished; exercising is just a natural high. And it’s not like you won’t feel better about yourself either. I’ve tried it and it works.

The second approach you can take is adjustment therapy. You’re not totally avoiding porn, you’re just changing your outlook on the “tamer” stuff so you‘ll appreciate it more.

Try looking at women through different colored glasses. Set aside a given amount of time (15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour) where you’re just going to look at plain ole naked women or regular sex with no expectation of getting aroused by it. Try to slow down and notice aspects of a woman you wouldn’t have noticed before, don‘t browse so quickly through the pictures. For example, if you’re a boob man - so to speak - take some time to notice the woman’s (in the picture) lips, the subtle curve of her belly, the daintiness of her feet, the smoothness of her skin, etc. What else do you like about this woman other than the obvious? Try to take almost a clinical approach to the whole thing as if you’re just on a fact finding mission, again with no expectation of getting turned on. You might find yourself getting a reaction before you even realize it.

No matter how much time you’ve set aside (and I propose you set an alarm to it, that way you can just enjoy and concentrate on the experience, without having to worry if and when time is up), it’s important that you get up and walk away at the end of it. Give your brain time to let all the new things you noticed on a woman time to sink in. It does take a bit of self-discipline to walk away exactly when time is up, but it’s necessary.

Accept the sight of a beautiful woman (either partially or totally nude) as its own reward. There’s no need to get off on it, just appreciate it for what it is.

Also go do something else more erotic. Go read an erotic letter or sex story , much like women are more likely to do. It’ll give your mind a workout (or at the very least a good warm-up stretch). After all, the brain is the biggest sex organ anyway. A site I’d recommend for erotic stories is Literotica.com; they have a ton of stories there. I’m surprised that more men don’t read erotic literature.

What a lot of men fail to realize is that part of the attraction of porn is the notion that these women seem willing to do anything you want. Whether it’s with a “(do) me” look, a knowing smile, a light-hearted laugh, etc. When a woman’s personality is taken out of the equation (and it‘s for this reason that I prefer to watch full-motion adult videos as opposed to just looking at still photos), there’s no fundamentally necessary human bonding, and the woman may be reduced to pictures of so much T&A and other body parts. As much as it may seem that men are ready to go at the flash of a breast , men sometimes need that human, intimate, personable element for arousal and subsequent sex. What the erotic story does is not only describe the action taking place, it fleshes out the female personality and also explains the thought processes behind women’s actions. And if the story is written by a woman, all the better; because as a guy you get to go behind the scenes and see what kind of sexual fantasies, feelings, and passion lurk within the recesses of the female mind. That’s quite a turn-on in its own way. These are things that are hard to accurately depict in a visual context.

I think we should address the fact that we are a nation of addicts prior to stating that porn is inherently evil and useless. Very few things are inherently evil and useless. Consider the bacteria toxin that is injected into your face for botox treatments: this toxin, secreted by the bacteria that causes botulism, would be lethal if injected in a concentrated enough form. You talk about making lemonade out of lemons…

A debate that was carried out at the Oxford Union Debating Society (no less) in London a few years ago came to the conclusion that on some level, pornography was beneficial to society (http://www.sfc.org.uk/old/docs/oxprop.htm). Porn affords the typical male the ability to get his visual fix. Porn also provides instruction, when done a certain way, on how to become a better lover. The article provides many more examples.

But beware: part of the problem with intense pornography fixation is that it seems, initially and on the surface of things, to be a victimless crime. There is no bodily harm or hard-to-reverse somatic changes occurring in the partaker (unlike in the case of drug, alcohol, cigarette, or other substance addiction); and also there’s no other party that is directly taken advantage of or abused. However, the down side is very real and can be just as bad as that of any other vice. Even though I am very much pro-pornography, I suggest you read the above-mentioned article (concerning the Australian gentleman) on the pitfalls of the medium when it is over-indulged. Like I’ve said before in so many words, remember the classic line, “Everything in moderation.”

To those who need it, good luck getting out of your addiction prison. I’ll be waiting for you on the outside.]]>

The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort.
To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspect of the personality as present and real.

This act is the essential condition for
self-knowledge, and it therefore as a rule meet with considerable resistance. These shadows are repressed elements of the personality which we choose not to be identified with.
..Carl Jung

Shadows lurk in the deep recesses of the
psyche.It is buried in the heart, in the mind; it is part of us.It follows us, it frightens us, and they come to us in different ways, but always, fits our lifestyle,our beliefs or therof. The shadow is not a mere concept or a matter of perception.It is very real!

Just as there is light, there is also darkness.Is it possible to deny the shadow element? It is usually the worst side of the person. The courageous person may have a cowardly shadow.The kind,gentle and caring person may have a cruel side hiding behind all that softness. Even among the most benevolent, the most respected personalities and leaders in every field of endeavor, part of their shadow element peeks through their eloquence and their elegance.

Do they really know themselves, or having denied their shadow element, they find their views,their words and their actions in conflict. This is not intentional- the internal shadow conflicts they fail to deal with come to surface at the worst moment.

Is it possible to ignore or avoid the shadow? Some call it demons that stick around every dark corner, every perilous turn, in every struggle and conflict. When we are at the lowest point in our lives, shadows haunt us.

It is that part of ourselves that we leave in the closet as we face our public and put
our best foot forward. Hide them, deny them,
suppress them, would they just vanish?

These actions may end up attracting these
shadows into our lives in other ways.

Do shadows impact on our lives? Do they mean
anything? Shadows come in many forms. They can come as temptations, obsessions, addictions,co-dependency and other forms of indulgence.Shadows appear in the darkness cloaked in fear; shake us at our core.

Shadows also show as projections. It can be a dislike of certain traits in people, unjustified and unexplainable. We don’t like what we see,perhaps it mirrors part of us that we choose to ignore or may not even be aware of.

Are you comfortable with your friends? If not,ask yourself, why do you hang out with them? Do you judge them harshly? If so, why do you share your precious time with them?

Do you tend to make a compromise that you can not meet? What about the times you get angry at the slightest provocation at times by the same person.

There are times we look for our shadows in the face of other people. We even attract them into our lives. Buried deep, these shadows may drive us to places we dare not go.

Pundits would say it is not wise to deny the
shadow element. They believe the only way
is to confront it, deal with it and work through the conflicts it creates.

Each one has their personal demons to deal
with and to face, otherwise, it follows us in less conscious ways. There are lessons from the shadow element. To become aware of it, we need to go deeper into ourselves, be all that we can be, assuredly.

We can take the good. Work with the bad,
see the light, face the darkness without
fear.Go deep within; let the fears and
insecurities buried deep within surface.
Confront the anger seething under the skin.

We are not perfect. No matter how many dark
clouds hover above us, no matter how long
the dark night is, light will surely come.
These dark nights offer a chance to enrich
and nourish our spirit, our soul and our
lives. It helps us to align ourselves with
our highest purpose.

By striving for greater balance, endurance
and perspective, we generate more personal
power and strength.

END]]>

many people still feel uncomfortable in social situations.

Millions of people become anxious and insecure when
speaking in public, starting a conversation, or mingling
with others in a social setting.

There are a large number of individuals who are extremely
successful in their professional lives, but tend to shy
away from meeting new people, attending social functions,
and interpersonal communication.

Social skills training can help you overcome obstacles and
develop positive habits and social abilities…

1. Those wanting to improve their ability to communicate
and their level of confidence through social skills
training are increasing in number.

Developing and expanding your social skills is perhaps the
most important thing you can do for yourself, both
professionally and personally.

Speaking effectively, holding up your end of any
conversation, establishing new relationships, and building
confidence are just some of the personality traits that can
be built upon through better social skills.

2. Improving your Social skills will allow you to
understand the impact a lack of social skills can have on
your life, determine the personality traits that cause you
to feel uncomfortable in social settings, and give you the
tools you need in to become confident and comfortable in
any situation.

You can learn to resolve conflicts, the art of negotiation,
and how to easily carry on a conversation either
individually or in a group.

If you find yourself avoiding large social gatherings or
you are reluctant to meet new people, social skills
training can be very beneficial to both your private and
professional lives.

3. Learning new social skills involves learning to
communicate effectively, adapting to various social and
professional situations, interpreting the body language of
others and improving your own body language, and learning
to handle adversity and rejection in a positive manner.

Failure to develop adequate social skills can lead to
negative feelings, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. If you
are among the many who would like to improve your ability
to communicate with others in a positive manner, social
skills training can provide you with valuable information
and teach you techniques that will allow you to excel in
social settings and in your professional life.

4. Flexibility, understanding, and the ability to
communicate effectively are the most important factors in
improving your social skills.

Developing better social skills can help you conquer your
fears of social situations, teach you the correct ways to
communicate with others, and help you understand how to
resolve conflict and overcome adversity.

A lack of or underdeveloped social skills can lead to
isolation, loneliness, and frustration. Do not be afraid to
take the first step in improving your life and
relationships with others.

You can learn to speak in front of large groups without
feeling anxious, start new or improve your existing
relationships with family and co-workers, and exhibit a
positive, confident attitude.

Improving your social skills requires dedication and the
desire to change your own negative behaviors. You can
dramatically increase your ability to communicate and
influence others if you learn to change your own negative
behaviors and build upon the positive.

Understanding, good communication, interpreting body
language, and conflict resolution skills can advance your
career and personal life to levels you never thought
possible.

Social skills training can be done in groups or
individually depending on your needs and the method you
choose to assist you in improving upon your skills.]]>

To most guys routine dates are actually ok but again, things might not usually be the case for the girls. Hmm… maybe before I go on, just a piece of advice for the guys. Well guys, though the girls might not be complaining but believe me, deep down inside them they are still longing for that surprises. Let’s not disappoint them, shall we? And well girls, please do understand that guys are afterall still guys. They are just naturally less insensitive creature, just not that good in expressing themselves. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you?

Well nevertheless, I believe everyone love surprises and excitement. Hmm… life would be so boring without them, don’t you agree? There would be nothing to look forward to. The same goes for love. Recall all those sweet moments you had when the both of you just started dating. Wasn’t love or perhaps life so fun and exciting then; always looking forward to the next date, wondering what surprises would be there for you?

Using a little imagination; planning little surprises for your love would definitely spice up your love life, going a long way in maintaining the flames of love. I am sure you want an interesting love life, always making your love happy? Remember, when your love is happy, happy you will be.

Hmm… Perhaps a monthly anniversary celebration for a start? A day in each month which both could look forward to an exciting and romantic night together? Oh isn’t that lovely? Think about it…]]>

(1) Leaders must be willing to be highly visible during crisis.

Enron, WorldCom and Martha Stewart…Their greed and fraud have further eroded trust in people around the world, and as a result, corporations and business owners are now operating with a brand new set of rules. Building trust requires a special effort on behalf of the CEO or Business Owner to communicate openly, honestly, and often…especially during crisis or tough times. During a crisis, the stakeholders want to hear from their leader…they don’t want to hear from his or her spokesperson. They not only want to hear from the person at they top…they want to engage in open communication that involves the sharing of information and ideas, and they want to know that their voice has been heard. During turbulent times, it is important to take advantage of all types of opportunities for communication, including open forums, task forces, breakfast meetings, the media, one on one meetings, and stakeholder surveys. More formal forms of communication strategies include the 360 degree feedback assessment or a full communications audit (which may take 2-6 months to complete.) The goal is to communicate openly and often and to continue assessing your communications program every day to insure that a culture of trust is being maintained.

(2) Leaders must be willing to take a stand- based on their vision and their values.

This does not happen in a vacuum…leaders must be willing to admit that they need strong support from an executive coach or a strong mentor who can guide them to doing the tough internal work required to shift their thinking and to get off the ego trip that many leaders live . They must be willing to carefully explore their values and how they can move their companies in the direction of a vision that is unwavering. This takes boldness, and a leader’s stand must be nailed into the ground and secured with cement…the stand must be so strong that the leader does not become “wishy-washy” during tough times and in the face of controversy. Consistency is key, and the leader must know and believe in his or her stand on a very deep level…from the heart…not because the public relations director or Chief of Staff told him or her what to do or say. This is a genuine stand that is driven by the leader’s authentic value system that never changes.

(3) Leaders must be willing to be fully engaged with the four focus areas of their being: physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

These areas of being must also be congruent with the leader’s environment. Leaders of today must be willing to be fully engaged…physically fit, emotionally balanced, mentally tough, and spiritually centered. Leading a strong life is a quest that many leaders run from, because it can be tough, but it is crucial if he/she wants to engage followers in a way that is trusting. I cannot help but think about Tiger Woods when I think about leaders being fully engaged. He is an example of a world leader who is a model of what I am describing. His body is fit, his mind is sharp, his emotions are solid, and his spiritual presence is inspiring. He is being followed by young men from all corners of the world and viewed as an inspiring model and mentor in the world of golf.

In addition to strengthening the four areas of being, leaders must be willing to create a strong environment…one that is congruent with leading a strong life. The environment must be clean, clutter-free and optimized for speed, efficiency, and effectivness. The people and network surrounding the leader must be moving forward and fundamentally strong, and the activities leaders choose must point to a life that is built for change and is rock solid. If the environment is not congruent with the goals a leader seeks, her resources, energy, and effectiveness will become drained over time, and people will no longer be willing and loyal followers. They will seek a stronger leader to turn to for direction and hope.

(4) Leaders must be willing to build deep pockets of social capital by designing a network based on diversity.

In the book “Achieving Success through Social Capital”, author Wayne Baker advocates the building of networks based on diversity, In chapter 2, he states: “Diversity provides the benefits of multiple perspectives on problems, protection against groupthink, and enhanced ability to collect, process, and digest information. Management teams with members from diverse functional background, for example, perform better than homongenous management teams.” Building a diverse network is a crucial step in leaders being able to build a strong business and personal life. It is not uncommon to see leaders develop homongenous networks…known commonly as cliques. This is a dangerous approach, because the network does not develop the arms and legs it needs to reach the four corners of the globe, to get the resources and knowledge it needs, and it can actually cave in on itself, pulling the company down with it. By reaching into different cultures, ages, geographical locations, educational backrounds, and belief systems, leaders can build networks that will yield the biggest results and that will be sustainable over time.

(5) Leaders must be willing to overcome the growing tide of cynicism in the business world and define an upbeat style of leadership.

In the article “A Prescription for Leading in Cynical Times” authors James Kouzes and Barry Posner, authors of the Leadership Challenge discuss this in detail. Cynics are evident in every company in the world. They usually believe that human conduct is motivated by self- interest, and they have a disbelief about the integrity of others. They have high expectations of the world, and they are continually disappointed when the people in their lives don’t meet those expectations. To begin working with this challenge, leaders must be willing to drop their own cynical “The World Stinks” attitude and develop the qualities that others say are important to leadership such as integrity, competency, the ability to relate, visioning, inspiration and the drive the build a thriving and cohesive team.

(6) Leaders must be willing to push the edges of innovation.

I want to begin by talking about the difference between innovation and creativity. William Coyne, senior vice president for R&D at 3M once described the difference: “Creativity is thinking of new and appropriate ideas whereas innovation is the successful implementation of those ideas within an organization. In other words creativity is the concept and innovation is the process.” Innovation always involves treading into uncertain waters, and entering a new territory can be challenging, even for the most creative of thinkers. Yet falling behind can be a great deal worse than taking the risk to stretch and grow into new markets with new ventures. If companies are to move into the future, leaders must be willing to push the edges of innovation each and every day. Executing an experimental venture requires planning, and it requires revisiting ideas that your company may have put on the shelf years ago, and whose time has now come. It is about zeroing in on the best possible strategy, discovering what systems are needed and what processes will be required to get the job done and to come out on the profit side of the venture. Your new offering should meet the demands of your customers and should be an improvement over the way things are currently being done. As Nike says “Just Do It.” Start today to begin the process of innovation, and see what comes about for the future of your company…you may just be surprised!

(7) Leaders must be willing to show their employees that they love and care for them.

There is one truth in life that I firmly believe: With the showing of love and concern, people begin to feel wonderful and more worthy, and their productivity will triple in an environment that is loving. The book “Love is the Killer App” by Tim Sanders focuses on what it takes to create a true “Love Biz” by the giving and showing of compassion, resources, and knowledge without the expectation of anything in return. People will do business with people they like, and this “Love Cat” way of doing business often strikes an uncomfortable chord with leaders who are insecure about their own abilities or who view a show of love, empathy, and compassion as a sign of weakness. People have to know on a very deep level that their leaders care about them, their future, and their growth. With this loving approach to leading, the talent in organizations will grow, and a sense of self confidence and commitment will inspire individuals at every level of the company.

(8) Leaders must be willing to listen to the grapevine and then build a sense of community based on what he/she hears in the grapevine.

One of my favorite leaders in my local community is Dan Landis, the Director of Sales and Marketing for St. Joseph of the Pines, a life care community in North Carolina. He is one leader who I see as truly being bold…he actively places himself every day in the middle of the firing line. He spends much of his day talking to residents, sitting down and eating lunch with them, and stopping them in the hall to simply ask “How are you…What can I do for you today? What are the problems you are having? How can I help? ” He does not stop with the residents. He goes on to exercise this same approach with employees of St. Joseph of the Pines. Dan is a leader who is developing a very deep understanding of the collective issues and desires of the customers of St. Joseph of the Pines…both the employees and the residents. He is building a sense of community based on shared values, and he is taking people to places they have never been before. Not only does he listen…he acts, bringing quick solutions to the problems he hears and the desires he knows are in the hearts of the people he leads.

Every company has a grapevine, and it is not uncommon for companies to have a grapevine that spreads negative messages, complaints, and rumors. These messages and rumors can seriously undermine the morale of any company. Leaders must be willing to do as Dan Landis does…listen to the grapevine, and use it as a feedback mechanism to highlight key issues that customers and employees consider relevant enough to whisper about at the water fountain and in the community. Leaders can also use the grapevine to monitor which employees and customers are more likely to pass information along, so that the impact of the grapevine can be reduced.

(9) Leaders must be devoted to continuous improvement.

Leadership development is mandatory for CEOs and Executive Team, but it is also a necessary part of training for every person in the organization. So many business leaders of today see leadership development as “fluff” and “soft” but the truth of the matter is that leadership development can improve bottom line profits and productivity. By listening to an employee who is on the front line, and acknowledging her value, a leader can create loyal internal customers and can bring innovative ideas to the table which can grow a company by leaps and bounds. By strengthening team communication, a leader can create a sense of purpose, loyalty, and long-term commitment to the organization. One thing to know about leadership development is this: Leaders must not ask her followers to do what she is not willing to do. . Many leaders will hire training for their company and will then refuse to attend the training because they “don’t need it or think they are beyond it.” This is, in my opinion, completely out of integrity. The leader must first be a model of what is expected in the area of training, development, and improvement, and must be willing to fully participate in a training that the front line is asked to attend. The leader must develop a culture that sends the message that leadership development is not another undesirable task but a new and fresh way to go about work.

(10) Leaders must have a plan.

The late Christopher Reeve once said “If you don’t have a vision, nothing happens.” Strategic planning is about the future impact of decisions made today, and leaders must have a plan that examines the necessities of today and tomorrow in light of the organization’s vision, mission, values and goals. It is not uncommon to find organizations that either don’t have a strong strategic plan, or they have a plan that is sitting on a shelf collecting dust. This makes absolutely no sense to me. Leaders must realize that to fully implement change, to satisfy customers, and to promote teamwork from the top to the bottom of the organization, strategic changes must be made that are driven by a clearly articulated vision, mission, and purpose. Once the strategic plan is written, leaders can then take the steps necessary to insure that all stakeholders are in alignment with the strategic plan and that they are moving cohesively in the direction of fulfilling the vision and mission of the company. Many organizations will buy a “canned strategic plan” written by an expensive consulting company, and they will try to fit their round peg in the square hole of the canned plan. This is a BIG MISTAKE! Leaders need to understand that the strategic plan is a collaborative process implemented by key stakeholders in the company, and the CEO or Business Owner must be involved in this process. With a strong commitment and an experienced strategic planning coach or facilitator, a company can create a solid plan which meets the needs and demands of all stakeholders.]]>

“I want to lose weight.”

”I want a better job.”

“I want to make more money.”

Maybe for you it’s travel, education, meeting someone or improving a current relationship. We all have goals and changes we want that go unresolved. So we talk a lot about wanting them to change. How often does anyone really do anything about changing? In fact, after a while you’ll start hearing the wants turn to complaints. Then the complaints turn into reasons why success is not possible. “I don’t have the time or money or ability.” There are an endless number of reasons.

As a life coach, people are always telling me why they are stuck and why they can’t do certain things. “I don’t like to workout.” or “I’m too forgetful.” Basically what they’re telling me is, “I have no control over my own behavior.” Here’s one we have all heard from someone, “I’m not a morning person.”

What if I offered a “non-morning person” a million dollars to be a morning person tomorrow morning? Most people would say, “Well, for a million dollars I could be.” So in truth, it’s not that you are not a morning person, or that you don’t have the time or any of the other reasons you give that prevent you from the changes you want, you simply haven’t found the motivation.

With the right motivation, and it doesn’t have to be money, you can change and create winning actions in your life. You are not locked into any behavior. Stop placing limits on yourself and talking about the changes you want and the reasons you can’t achieve them. There is no definition of you other than the definition you give yourself.

We all have the power to redefine ourselves and create the lives we want. Let me show you how powerful you are. Take a sip of your coffee or tea and let me ask you this: Right now, could anything stop you from taking that sip? Oh, you don’t have a coffee or tea? Then get one or imagine you have one. Barring a sudden, catastrophic natural disaster, the answer is no, nothing can. The only thing that could stop you from taking a sip is…you!

In fact, nothing can stop you from going to the gym, eating right, getting an education, looking for a better job, paying attention to your relationships, not spending money on your credit cards or doing the things you should to make your life better. Nothing can stop you from anything you want to improve in your life except you. You are the only obstacle in your life.

We need to stop blaming outside factors for our behavior. There is no boogeyman keeping you from creating the life you want. We also have to stop looking for shortcuts. We tend to fall into the trap of wanting instant gratification and there are plenty of folks trying to sell this junk. I hate to be the one to tell you this but there are no magic pills that will make you thin, cure your life in seven days, get rich over night or have great abs in two weeks.

There is only one sure way to success and that’s doing the work. This means we must get into action. Get motivated to change right now! Motivation is power and we have established here that being powerful is as simple as taking a sip of coffee or tea.

So enjoy the rest of your coffee or tea and smile while you take that sip, because right now you are powerful and right now you’ve decided to get into action to achieve the changes you want.]]>

holidays, and other special occasions – call for a gift of some
kind. We sometimes work ourselves into a frenzy trying to
come up with the “perfect gift.” The “perfect gift” is one
that doesn’t wind up in the bottom of a drawer or a gift
receipt because no one in his/her right mind would return it
(after all it’s perfect.) Or have you ever received a gift and
couldn’t wait for the return counter to open?

Why not invest in a gift that has staying power – the gift of
empowerment. The gift of empowerment is a gift that keeps
on giving, enabling one to enhance and further his or her
personal development and achievement. An empowering
gift is one that keeps on giving the whole year through and,
if we’re lucky, beyond.

Here are three empowering gift ideas:

The Gift of Change * Enjoy cuisine of a culture other than
your own. Learn about a culture other than your own. Learn
the customs and the cuisine, or purchase a piece of clothing
which can provide insight and an appreciation of others.

* Realize no one is perfect. Don’t beat yourself up about
the past - remember the past doesn’t define your future –
only you can do that. See and accept only positive people
and thoughts in your life.

* Change someone’s life for the better; do a good deed. A
good deed has multiple payoffs for everyone. You can
make life a little easier or enable others to accomplish
something they may not have been able to on their own.
The size of a good deed is not of importance – only that
you did something for someone else. The payoff for you –
as the commercial says, “priceless.”

The Gift of Knowledge * Expand your knowledge with
books. Seeking new information expands our mind and can
develop our spirit. No time to read you say, books on tape
(especially motivational tapes) are a great way to squeeze in
learning during the vast amount of time we spend
commuting, walking on the treadmill, or waiting at a doctor’s
office.

* Take a class at an adult learning center or community
college. This inexpensive option allows you to further
your knowledge and increase your potential.

* Join Toastmasters! It’s not just for public speakers. This
dynamic international organization empowers you to
increase your communication and leadership skills in a
supportive environment. This is a must for anyone who
interacts with people – ever!

* Subscribe to a newspaper or magazine subscription such
as a health, finance, or major newspaper. Why not better
your well-being, develop your financial portfolio or learn
more about current events that affect your life.

The Gift of Goal Setting * Set your first goal – you will make
time for self. Even fifteen minutes alone, in the bathtub or
shower, can provide you with the time you need to just think
and find yourself. Finding yourself means determining what
do you want and what you need. Who else knows you
better and who else can give you what you need. Help
someone else find time - barter or give the gift of time via
babysitting or cooking a meal for another family (now they
will have more time for themselves, too).

* Commit to a healthful lifestyle. Diets are great for short
term gain but often fail because they are so difficult to stick
with. Improve your health with a subscription to a health
magazine, buy or rent a video/DVD, join a gym or
recreation center, or purchase a piece of gym equipment.
Remember it can only work if you take action!

* Set financial goals – financial freedom is a worthwhile
goal that can be achieved with knowledge, planning and
commitment. Whenever you find yourself in a buying
situation, ask yourself “Do I want this item or do I need
this item?” I find this a big help when deciding to make a
purchase and not be a slave to credit card payments. Also,
pay by cash and not by credit card. Start now!

* De-clutter and organize. That mess can make you feel
overwhelmed, confused, and stressed. Less truly is more.
Commit to keeping only what brings you pleasure, love, or
need. Organize your home and office to enable you to find
what’s there. This in turn will save you time and money
because you won’t be going out all the time to buy what
you already have.

I encourage you to start today - share any or all of these
gifts with yourself, family, friends, or colleagues. Remember,
the greatest gift of all is the gift that keeps on giving – the
gift is empowerment!]]>

An immense example of misplaced sheep syndrome is the current British mind set of buying of property in another country. Millions of middle-class and average people have given over their life savings in return for a square piece of land with a debatable construction sitting on it, in Spain, in Cyprus, Florida, et al! Not only have they handed over all that they have ever had but given it in return for something that lies a thousand miles away and that once the excitement has worn off will become a costly burden that is visited only twice a year, if that! Yet, it is fashionable; it is the ‘sensible’ thing to do, to buy some property in rural Turkey, just like the neighbors have bought. It is profitable to buy a three bed-roomed house in Florida, because the brochure said we could rent it back out when we don’t use it! The agent said that the price is inclusive ………and so it goes on, each prospective buyer convinced that it is a wise thing to do in life and nobody saying otherwise because it is the trend, the sheep syndrome in action!

Another large example of man following man was the YK2 period of disaster prediction! Somebody casually observed that computer clocks might not cope with the change over to the new millennium because nobody had thought about it before, despite the fact that it was only a couple of years away! So what happened was a mad panic and had somebody said ‘boo’ in a rather large voice stampedes would have occurred, cities would have evacuated themselves and wars would have started. But what happened was that rumors and counter rumors spread like wildfire, rivers of possible scary scenarios ricocheted around the world and the public became so infused with impending disaster they just didn’t know which way to turn.

At least four years before the turn of the century the process of panic indoctrination started and people rapidly became suffused with fear. The US government set up a command center at an initial cost of 50 million dollars to cope with the impending crisis and throughout it all computer geeks and companies made fortunes as they set up Y2K software companies and became solemn experts on the subject! Billions of Dollars, Pounds, Dong, etc. was spent on new equipment that had stickers plastered all over them that read, “I am Y2K compliant”, and power station night security guards lied without embarrassment to have their night off starting on the 31st December!

Planes were going to fall out of the sky at midnight. Russian missiles were going to arm themselves, to shoot across the oceans and to land in the middle of Sunset Boulevard! And lights would just switch off, water would stop coming out of the taps and bank machines would never again issue another note simply because the big hand could not quite get past the top of the hour!

The end of the world is nigh.

When the actual turning point came, nothing astounding or untoward happened! Planes did not collide in mid-air, nuclear explosions from the local power station did not light up the night skies and little aliens with green heads did not land to take over the world! The only real tremors and aftershocks felt were a direct result of the panic build-up of previous. Those who had stockpiled food in their underground bunkers had year’s worth of baked beans to work through; those who had stockpiled goods suddenly found out that their life savings were now invested in a worthless pile of batteries, torches and gas lamps that nobody really wanted anymore. Banks had problems on Monday morning as customers queued up to re-open closed accounts (money withdrawn because banks vaults would never open again) and portable bunker rental firms found it difficult to cope as their goods were returned in quick order!

All the sheep should have felt very sheepish indeed but true to form, and because everybody was in the same boat they just found other sheep trails to follow.

The sheep syndrome is very much a deep rooted fear of being different, of being the odd man out, to be an outcast of a certain group whether it is social, work or family! This fear is ingrained from birth, so deeply that for most the knowledge of its existence is not known. For most people the eagerness to be the same, to be an active and popular member of a group overrides any thought as to why they really want this and thus the fear is pushed and kept far away and dusty in the nether regions of the mind. From the day that we are born the conditioning starts. Parents give to their children what other children of that age group have, for these children in turn to want what those other children have and in time to give their very own offspring what they feel that they should have. As humans we tend to operate and guide ourselves through the maze of life by copying, following and fitting in, our sole guide being what is around us. We tend not to step outside of the circle that we are in, we tend not to think alone or to act differently because of that simple deep rooted fear of being cast aside or ignored.

In some limited cases people are perceived by others to be different. Neighbors may huddle and talk about the family that lives at No29 because they just don’t fit in with the street as a whole. But the family at No29 has another agenda to follow, they forsake the ‘street’ circle for another social or work group to which they will fit in very well and will thus be sheep, tied to that group for their ideologies and trends.

There is a debatable 1% of society that manages to be different and for them life is not so easy. The man who decides that he doesn’t want to drive a car, yet works as a car mechanic might be viewed as weird by the rest of the world. He would also find it totally impossible to find suitable employment in that field even though he is the best mechanic available. He just doesn’t conform. The pregnant mother who tells the hospital staff that she doesn’t want a scan of her infant will be talked about in hushed whispers by the nurses and doctors, treated at a distance simply because she does not want that which is prescribed by an establishment. But researching these acts of stand alone behavior may at first glance seem worthy but deep down the sheep syndrome will rear its ugly head. The mechanic who refuses to drive might be an outcast amongst all other mechanics, with his wife, neighbors, etc. but he will probably be a sheep of another social group. He might be a member of the local cycling club, a member of Greenpeace or the anti-car society! The pregnant mother who refuses the scan may not be so alone after all as back home is a mother and family that fully supports her decision.

True individualism is hard if not impossible to find. At first glance little acts of transgression do surface especially amongst those who can afford to be different, who have the power or position to ward off the sneers and snide remarks that are synonymous with stand-alone behavior. Pop stars, actors and politicians. The singer who first smashed his guitar on stage did something unusual, yet he left that stage and snorted drugs and abused groupies just like the rest of his social group does. The actress who first bared her breasts on screen stepped outside of acceptable moral behavior, yet afterwards she returned to her mansion and the party that she was hosting. The conservative politician that dared to suggest that he liked to buy organic food went home to his three-up two-down detached house where his wife and 2.3 kids awaited his return.

Individualism takes courage even if it is only a minute transgression away from that which is deemed acceptable. But what is notable about the 1% of society who transgresses briefly is that their small wayward behavior breeds in time to become fully acceptable behavior. That one daring escapade on stage with the guitar produced a horde of musicians queuing up at the local shop to buy spare guitars and the actress who bared her breasts soon found out that every other actress was romping naked and that she had been left behind. Oh, and that politician that had mentioned organic food soon found himself at the back of a very large queue at the local organic greengrocers.

The true individual who does something that is far-and-away outside of the normal, that is not a copycat of any social or work group and that is unknown or just plain different finds life very hard indeed. Words are bandied around like hermit or recluse. Prodigal sons and black sheep flit around followed by scowls and hushed words and the more different these people are the harder they find it to exist. Generally everybody has to follow or be part of a social group just to be able to survive even if at the very least the group’s main existence is to be different. Simply by joining the “be different group” its members are conforming simply through agreeing to be different.

The only real individuals who are totally and independently different are those who are dead or live in isolation wards at the local mental hospital.]]>

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Title: To End or Not to End Your Relationship
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 658
Category: Relationships

To End or Not to End Your Relationship
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Vanessa, 30 years old, is struggling with whether or not to end her six-year marriage. The answer is not at all clear to her.

Vanessa and Jon have a “good” marriage. They are kind and caring with each other. They enjoy many of the same things. So why is Vanessa in such turmoil over whether to stay or leave?

The problem is that Vanessa is very lonely with Jon. They are good friends, but they are not emotionally intimate. Jon has no desire to share any of his feelings with Vanessa, nor does he have any desire to understand Vanessa’s feelings. He is content to keep everything on the surface, while Vanessa wants a deeper emotional connection.

Since they have many good things in their marriage, Vanessa has decided to try marriage counseling, and Jon has agreed. Counseling or not, there is only one thing that can save this marriage – Jon and Vanessa shifting out of their intent to protect against pain and into an intent to learn about what is loving to themselves and each other.

Jon’s intent has always been to protect against pain rather than to learn about being loving to himself and others. He has done this by numbing out his feeling with marijuana and work. Jon’s choice to continue to protect against pain or to begin to open to learning from his feelings will determine the outcome of the counseling.

Vanessa, too, has operated with the intent to protect against pain. She has ignored her own feelings and been a “good” wife, submerging her own needs to comply with what Jon wanted. But at some point, she shifted her intent to learning about what is loving to herself, and now she realizes she cannot continue in an emotionally disconnected marriage.

The issues in your relationship may be about emotional distance, lack of passion, sexual problems, constant fighting, emotional abuse, (if there is physical abuse, then you must find a way to leave), or being used financially. There may be control and resistance occurring around many different issues. Yet the underlying issue is a lack of open and caring communication. And open communication only occurs when both people have a deep intention to learn about their feelings, fears, limiting beliefs, and resulting unloving behavior. If one or both people in a relationship are closed to learning about themselves and each other, the relationship will not heal.

If you are thinking about leaving your relationship, first think about your own intent. Are you open to learning about your feelings, beliefs and behavior? Or, are you devoted to protecting against pain with anger, withdrawal, resistance or caretaking? Are you avoiding your feelings with substances and activities, or are you opening to learning from your feelings and exploring yourself with a process such as the Inner Bonding process that we teach? The first thing you need to do is deal with your own intent.

Once you are open to learning for a number of months, and really doing your inner work, then re-evaluate your relationship. Has anything changed? Is your partner more or less open to you? Are you talking more and fighting or withdrawing less?

If things are not getting better or are getting worse, then it is time to ask your partner if he or she is willing to do some healing work with you – through counseling, workshops, and reading books together. If your partner refuses to embark on a learning journey with you, then it is clear that this relationship will not change. At this point, you need to either fully accept it as it is or leave it. It will not become the relationship you want it to be unless both of you are open to learning.

If one or both partners remain in the intent to protect, the relationship will not heal. Yet most relationships can be healed when both people are deeply devoted to learning about loving themselves and each other.]]>